


We all got wood and nails

by Death2Toby



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stucky - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 07:40:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12552516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Death2Toby/pseuds/Death2Toby
Summary: In which Bucky doesn’t want to exist anymore.





	We all got wood and nails

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the song Jesus Christ by Brand New. It didn’t exactly turn out like I’d hoped but here it is anyway.
> 
> I'm on [tumblr.](http://joshgrobanismykink.tumblr.com/)

There was a time that Bucky had been afraid to die. He was a kid then, he knew little of war and it’s horrors, but he’d always been one to help those in need. Taking care of Steve had been his purpose for a long time, and it was a privilege to do it, but when country called, he felt he had to answer. Too often he dwelled on that mistake. 

Steve slept beside him, restlessly by the looks of it. Bucky knew that was his fault. Another burden that Steve bore on his shoulders. The list seemed to grow longer every day. He focused on the soft sound of Steve’s breathing, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, and tried to ignore his eyelids fretfully twitching, brows drawing together in unease. In that moment, lying there in near silence, Bucky wished more than anything that he could drift away, separate into invisible particles and float through the ceiling, leave this world behind. Of course, it wasn’t that easy. Nothing was easy anymore. 

Steve would miss him, Bucky had no illusions about that. But he'd gotten over Bucky’s death before and he could do it again. Especially once he felt the relief that would come soon after. No more worry, no more being awoken in the night by panicked screams, no more waiting on pins and needles for him to fuck up like he always did. 

“It’s not your fault,” Steve would say, “you didn’t know what you were doing.” 

He wasn’t sure he could handle hearing that again. 

The other man began to stir and Bucky cursed himself. He must have been staring again. That was all it took to wake Steve these days. 

“Buck,” Steve said gruffly, “what’re you doing up?” 

Christ. How Steve played naive every time this happened, and it happened often, was beyond him. It felt so patronizing, but he reminded himself that Steve didn’t mean it that way.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he replied, deciding not to mention the deja vu. 

Steve rolled into him, groggily draping his arm across Bucky’s chest and placing a kiss to his temple. Silence fell over them, and Steve’s breathing slowed again. Bucky nearly sighed from relief, thinking Steve had fallen back to sleep, until he felt a tiny wet droplet hit his shoulder. It may as well have been a boulder for all it hurt. He felt paralyzed under the weight of it. 

“I love you, Buck. I love you so much.” 

Bucky exhaled shakily. There was no point in sugar coating things anymore. He didn’t have the energy left. “I’m not me anymore, Steve.”

Steve pulled away to look at Bucky, trying his damnedest to keep the rest of his tears at bay. He sat up, turned on the lamp, and ran a hand through his hair as he tried to figure out what to say. “Buck, I know that things are different now, I know that you’ve changed. I fell for you back then but I love you now, even more if that’s possible.” 

“You shouldn’t,” Bucky replied, dead pan. 

“Shouldn’t what?” 

“You shouldn’t love me. I wish you didn’t.” He sat up, looking away. 

“What are you saying,” Steve asked, though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer. 

Bucky sighed. “The world would be better off without me, but as long as you’re around that’s never gonna happen.” 

“You’re damn right it’s never gonna happen!” 

“I wish I’d died when I fell from that fucking train.” 

“Bucky, stop!”

“You can’t save everyone, Steve, so use your energy for someone worth saving.” 

Familiar words echoed through Steve’s mind. “ _Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice._ ” No. Not this time. “I’m not losing you again.” 

“You’re gonna have to put me back under then.” 

The implications of this statement hung in the air as Bucky got up and walked away. This conversation wasn’t the first of its nature, and Steve felt more and more helpless each time. He remembered all he’d been through to protect Bucky from those who meant him harm. He’d fought his own teammates to do it, and he always figured it would be the hardest thing he would ever have to do. But now he had to protect Bucky from himself. 

He heard the shower turn on and sat listening to the faint sound until he could feel the hint of steam throughout the small apartment. A thought, neither beckoned nor welcome, sank into him as he imagined life without Bucky. He looked at the empty space beside him and felt fear grip his stomach, forcing him up. 

It was near impossible to see through the steam that filled the bathroom, but the space was familiar enough that Steve reached into the shower and turned off the water without hesitation. Bucky sat in the tub, knees pulled close to his chest, his skin red from the searing water. Steve knelt down on the floor. 

“I’m sorry, Steve,” Bucky murmured, glancing in the other man’s direction only for a moment. He was sorry for the things he’d said, but not because he didn’t believe them. Steve shouldn’t have to hear those things. 

“Bucky...” Desperation seeped into his voice, it was all he had left. He placed his hand gently on Bucky’s cheek so that he could look into his eyes. They were so familiar, they hadn’t changed at all, after everything. 

Certainly, they held more pain behind them, but there was love, the same love that always had been there, just for Steve. He clung to that for dear life. 

“I can’t lose you, Buck. I don’t know what I can do to help you, I can’t fix this but... please don’t leave, not again.” He was breaking down now, but he didn’t care. “I’m sorry to ask you, to stick around just for me, but, I need you.” He choked back a sob as Bucky twisted to wrap his arms around Steve’s shoulders. 

Bucky knew that Steve was wrong. He could live without him, he just didn’t want to. That should have been enough to give him purpose. Loving someone like Steve should have been his redemption, but it wasn’t. He couldn’t tell Steve that he’d be around forever, and he didn’t intend to. Instead, he just held the other man quietly in a silent promise that he would hold on as long as he could.


End file.
